refining

of course, life is hard at times...cuz that is life. we weren't created for an easy pain-free existence. we were created for more. that is what i have learned this past week after hearing on wednesday that my aunt beth, who was in the car accident a few weeks ago, passed away.

i cant really describe the weirdness of having someone die when you are so faraway. it is hard to say good-bye when in my mind she could still at home. im not there, how do i know she is really gone? it doesnt seem real. it was a painful few days of feeling so alone and like no one understood what was going on, but God has given me encouragement. after finally sharing with my friends here what happened, God has comforted me through them and through my amazing friends from home who have emailed me love and hugs, which is what i really needed right now.

i wasnt able to attend the funeral, but i wrote something that was read at the memorial service. i dont like being all open and gushy on my blog, but i think i will post what i wrote. i dont think it's that great because words seems so shalow when stuff like this happens. but i want to post it so everyone can read about my aunt, and why she meant so much to me and everyone she came in contact with. i want her example to live on forever.

MY AUNT BETH

About four weeks ago I was eating a lunch of spicy green curry at my Thai friend’s house. She was telling me about her aunt and how successful she was and how she admired her so much for working her way up the business ladder. This of course made me think of my Aunt Beth and how proud I am of her for different reasons. While my mouth tingled from my lunch, I began to boast to her about how amazing my Aunt Beth was.

I told her of my Aunt Beth’s typical day. She stood for her 8-hour shift as a cashier, scanning any garden supplies someone may need while blessing everyone who was lucky enough to go through her line that day. Driving away from Lowe’s, her fingers clutching the wheel were stained brown from the potting soil of the flowers that she found on sale to bring to my gardening mother. She zoomed home to switch cars to drive the handicap van to pick up my Aunt Rachel right when she finished working at the library. After walking in the door, she put a scrumptious dish in the oven right away, such as chicken a la king for dinner. Then she washed the stack of dishes that never seemed to disappear, while she picked up anything dropped on the floor during the day that my aunt or grandma couldn’t reach. If there was any time left before going to bed she might call up her dear friend since childhood who works in Pennsylvania to see how she is doing. Or maybe she could make cookies for her nieces to send them since they are all away at college. Or she might make a snack to bring to Sunday school the next day for church. Oh tomorrow is her day off! That means she would have time to pick up her friend who can no longer drive and take her out shopping and then get lunch.

She never stopped, but what is even more amazing is she never complained. I’m sure there were days when she got upset, when she didn’t want to go anymore, when she just wanted to quit, because Aunt Beth was human. But even if she felt like that, she still persevered. She might not have seen any reward for all her hard work day after day, never getting the praise she deserved. But that is not what she was living for, so maybe that is why you didn’t hear her complain much.

When I told my Thai friend about her she was in awe. But I hope she doesn’t see just that my Aunt Beth was so serving and giving, but I hope she sees that she didn’t do it for herself but because she lived for more than herself. She wasn’t living for the customers at the store, or her co-workers. She wasn’t living for her mother, her sisters, her brothers, or any other family. She wasn’t living for her friends. She was living for God. She wrote me a note when I went to New Zealand that she put in a present that said, “Open this when you feel lonely.” It says: “Sherri, I love you. I hope you’re enjoying yourself. Remember, God is always with you and He loves you very much. Aunt Beth.” That was her motivation for serving, not to try to win God’s love or the love of others, but to simply show others how God loves them very much.

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen in eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18.